Wednesday, July 20, 2016

I Apologize For This Post

To all the mamas who have experienced toddler breastfeeding and the intense desire to wean against your toddler's will: I feel you.
You're going to get this.

To everyone else: I apologize for this. Profoundly.
But, as they say, #sorrynotsorry

Lilla is approaching 21 months and she is still quite an breastfeeding aficionado. 
It's a serious pastime 'round these parts. (Pun intended. You're welcome.)

It could be an all-day affair if I allowed.
As in: We-only-break-for-solid-food-meals-and-Mickey-Mouse-Clubhouse.
And mamas, I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. And so are my parts. 

Apparently, not only am I tired, I'm worried

{I do not apologize for any of the above content; this is where it gets questionable. 
If you continue to read, you do so at your own risk. You've been warned.}

A few nights ago I had a dream. 
I rarely remember dreams, but this one had me waking up in a bit of a panic hoping to the heavens that it wasn't real. You know what I'm talking about...

I dreamed that Lilla was nursing and my nipple fell off.

It. Fell. Off. 
My right nip. 

I'll let that sit with you for a moment. 
. . . . . 

Isn't that terrible?

I was quite calm about it in my dream, although devastated. 
I took that poor, disconnected part and placed it in a baggie and put it in the fridge. For safekeeping. You know...until we could get to the hospital to repair the damage. 

And that's it. 

I'm so sorry. But I had to share that. 

I woke up thinking, "Oh ni... Ah, it's there." 
After the flood of relief I felt a slightly bemused pity for my poor subconscious.
She's worried for the well-being of my body.
Like, desperately worried.
That sweet subconscious of mine...she's sending me signals.
She's all, "Girl, this may not be healthy for you anymore." 

I'm picking up those signals, subconscious. Thank you for your concern. 

I have no idea how to wean this child. 
I've tried refusing her (she screams, loudly).
I've tried distraction, feigning injury, bribery, pretending I don't hear her requests, literally running good. She still gets what she wants. 
I even went away for 5 days and hoped against hope that she would forget and wean. 
She didn't. I think she got even more intense after that escape tactic.

So I breastfeed. And I slightly resent my daughter (let's just be honest here) and my subconscious weeps and I plot more ways to try and wean her. 
I'm thinking yucky-tasting Lavender oil on the skin in question will be my next route. 
Wish me luck, and send me all your fail-proof, stubborn toddler weaning techniques.

There's Lil. Thanks, Lil. You're awesome.

The contents of this post are in no way insinuating that women shouldn't breastfeed toddlers. In no way at all. 
I love extended breastfeeding. I think it's awesome and fine and right (if you wanna). 
The AAP recommends breastfeeding for 24 months at least. The world average of breastfeeding length is reported to be around 4 years. That's fine. Super great. Love it.

I'm a lactation counselor for heaven's sake. I'm in this for all the mamas and the babies. 
I'm a believer. 

And I'm done. 

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