Sunday, December 1, 2013

Blog-Shaped Hole

I  was sitting down the other day and thinking about 31...(my age...since yesterday.)
I'm this age - this age that seemed foggy and fogey and far off when I was 17 - and I was sure I would have it all figured out by now. You know..."it all" = life. L I F E   The whole thing. All of it. 
L + I + F + E

But, guess what? Wonder of wonders, I do not have it all figured out.
I am actually, quite decidedly un-figured out at this point.
At the ripe-old age of 31. (I know. I'm being ironic. Leave me alone.)

That one time we tried to make challa. 
I don't know how I'm going to balance work and motherhood.
I don't know if I'll ever get to the mission field like I dreamed or adopt a child like I was sure we would.
I don't know how or when or if I will be able to homeschool my children.
I don't know when I'm going to start working out again.
I don't know if our money problems will ever (ever, ever, ever) be solved or even look remotely solvable. 
I don't know if I should really stop eating bread and be thin and miserable or stay slightly-this-side-of-round and continue to eat croissants as I please.

That's the tip of the ice-berg of the Things I Don't Have Figured Out.

Evie as a dreamy version of St. Lucia - a family tradition.

That sort of gets me down. To think about that list. And I do think about it; it nags in the back of my head when I see my oldest struggling with the public school system and I see my best friends adopting children and doing life-changing missions work. I feel The List poking me obnoxiously in the muffin-top when I look in the mirror after my birthday breakfast (chocolatine and coffee with heavy cream thankyouverymuch). I see it blurred through tears in the numbers of our bank accounts when we are discussing the Christmas budget or giving to missions. 

That list lives in my prayer journal. I lay it down - the best I know how - every time I talk to my Jesus...that's what He told me to do. And I get peace, even if it lasts for just that moment. And then...then? I think about the things I do know.

Right now...
I know my children are beautiful and bright and healthy (gloriously healthy) and ready to take in the wonder of this world.
I know that I adore my job and that it is a gift from God.
I know that my dog brings me more joy than I ever thought she would. 
I know that Justin Timberlake music makes me deliciously, deliriously happy.
I know that my husband is solid and loving and strong and he doesn't care that I eat chocolate for breakfast (and that makes me even happier than JT's music...although just slightly).

My 30th birthday surprise party.
I know that I miss writing. I miss it so much. Writing (especially blog-writing) makes me feel like me. You know what's so good about it? When you write you are able to live something twice. And the second time - the writing time - it can be so much clearer what that experience means to you. 
I know that I've got a blog-shaped hole.
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more blogging. 
Yeah...I just went there.

Evie's 6th birthday Nutcracker Ballet Tea

My return to blogging has been less than impressive. It's been spotty and lame. But I'm realizing that I need this place.
So. Here's my birthday gift to myself: time to sit and think and re-live all of the gorgeous moments in life. Time to write and share it with you.

To see blog posts from waaaay, way back visit: She's Star-Crossed


  1. I got giddly excited when I saw your post come up on my reader. I miss your writing, your words, your stories. I welcome you back my friend! ps- you're not alone in your reflections. I had something like that happen when I turned 31 this year too. But you're so right when you seek God in those things and give those to him he gives you A LOT of peace! Peace sometimes is all you need.

  2. Go see "Book Thief" will also make you want to least it did for me. I think it's such a healthy way to process things internal. And doing it with a loving community is also healthy.

    love you

  3. Love this post. Thanks for being real and you!


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